It's cool if this doesn't make complete sense to everyone.

I have had a lot of time to think today...about where I'm at mentally and spiritually. I have days that suck so bad, I become bitter and jealous and angry. Then I have days where I'm extremely sad, sad at what I let control me, sad at the fact that I still haven't really gotten the chance to be reconciled with a lot of people but most of all sad that I still care so much about what some people think, I shouldn't care. For the past five months I've been more honest then I ever imagined I would be and it has cost me a lot. But today I got to think about everything I've gained and it is still blowing me away! I now know how crappy it feels to have someone I love lie about me and to me and I see what I put so many people through...the words "I'm sorry" will never fully express how I really feel. I don't want to lie anymore...not to other people and not to myself! I see what honesty does to my relationship with Jesus and I absolutely love it!
Living in an area where I don't know anyone and I'm only working a couple hours a night has forced me to spend a lot of time with Jesus...this is something I am SO thankful for! I've laughed, cried, been in despair, been in awe, been mad and angry with him and he hasn't left, anyone else would have but he hasn't...he promises that he wont. I have such a small understanding of this but I'm astounded by it, he shouldn't still be here! It was like I strapped on some tennis shoes and did my best to run away for him and once I was too tired to run I just burried my face because I was too ashamed for him to see it. Instead of wanting grace I wanted to be punished. This is such a simple concept but I'm really learning it now...I'm never going to be punished because Jesus already was. Jesus knows how wicked my heart is, he knew that I would do really stupid stuff but he keeps finding ways to make all things work together for my good. Why? Because he IS good.

Lord, get me out of the way, whatever it takes. I need you to increase and me to decrease! Thank you for being good, the really great thing is that you have always been good and you will continue to always be good. Jesus, you astound me! Thanks for waiting on me and not saying "I told you so". You would have been totally justified in saying that but instead you kept telling me about your love...specifically, your love for really wretched people. Thanks you!

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