Oh Christian Radio stations...

About a week ago I was listening to a sermon on the radio in the car (I know a bunch of people just judged me). A pastor was talking about his encounter with an older woman in their church, he said that the woman was pretty old (I pictured a woman about 75 because he never gave an exact age) and that she was battling bone marrow cancer. He explained how this cancer was probably the most painful and how it was quickly wearing this woman down. He said he saw her that morning and told her that he and the rest of the church staff were praying for her, her response caught him off guard. She asked the pastor what they were praying and he told her they had prayed for healing and strength. The woman thanked the pastor but asked if they could add one more thing to their prayers for her. She asked if they could pray that she wouldn't waste this. When I heard this I sat with my mouth opened for about a minute! I just kept thinking that this woman mind was wrapped around the Lord so tightly, she could probably get away with self pity very easily but she isn't focused on herself. Over the past couple months the Lord has done almost everything he can do to get me to see how selfish I am, he keeps tearing away all the things that I've put before him to show me that he is better but instead of thinking "Lord, please don't let me waste this", I've been thinking "this sucks".
God, forgive me for being so selfish. I know I will probably never really understand how selfish I am but I pray that by your grace, you would increase and I would decrease. This isn't about me, it isn't about other people, it's about you! I've said those words before but now I feel like you have given me such a better understanding of what they mean. 
I don't want to keep looking back at this mess I've made, I want to be focused on you and trust you to help me clean all this up! You say “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” I know I'm going to screw up...probably a whole stinking lot but I want to mess up running after you, not because I took my eyes off you. 
I don't want to care about how other people think of me or what other people are saying about me. I don't want to care but those thoughts are consuming my mind. Your word says this, "Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge". God, I know that ultimately I have only sinned against you. Thank you for not giving up on me when you would have been completely justified to. Thank you for wanting me even when I didn't want you. Thank you for loving me even when I intentionally treat you badly. The words "I Love You" seem so worthless when I say them because I'm starting to understand what you mean when you say them, and the more I learn, the more I'm blown away. But I do Love you and it makes me excited to know that the more I learn about your love the better i'll be able to love you and other people! Father, please don't let me waste one second of this on myself!